One day while driving around Portland, Forrest pointed to a busy bus stop and said "I want that." We were driving by a group of people waiting for the #75.
I asked "You want to ride the bus?"
"No" he said, "that guy."
I saw a handsome mid-twenties fellow, holding a sleek shoulder bag , nice jacket, and knew instantly what Forrest wanted. I pushed the heartache back inside and asked innocently, “What?”
“I want to be regular. Like that guy.”
Oh shit, I really didn’t like this part of parenting a young man with Down Syndrome. “You want to ride a bus and look like that guy?” I said with a really annoying cheer.
Forrest was sad, “I want to be like that guy and have friends who come to my house and just hang out and watch TV and have fun”.
Oh God, I could tell what was coming out of my mouth and couldn’t stop it “Oh you are a great guy blah blah blah, and you have friends and a TV in your room blah blah!”
“NO!” he cut me off, “I want to be like him - Regular!”
Ouch. I composed myself, tears sucked backwards like the Wu Li master-mamma I am. Inside I screamed “me too!” Platitudes be damned. Being retarded sucks. No matter how “slow and beautiful” I regard him, Forrest is no dummy. Who wouldn’t wave the magic genetic wand and poof! Forrest the cool “regular” guy. He wants what THAT guy has. Or what Forrest imagines he has: a real life filled with freedom, cool friends, a flat screen TV and wallet full of money…..hey….wait a minute.
My Tourettic impulsive monologue starting coming again, “Well that guy has a job and can’t play video games all day and has bills and has to worry about money, has to make his own food and he probably doesn’t have a mother living nearby to help him--”
“SO?!” was all Forrest said.
Okay, I was being an idiot. Would I ever have the courage to simply say “Yeah, me too”? I do wish Forrest could to go to college, travel the world, have a loving relationship, and yes, enjoy great sex! But here we are. I looked at the cool young man at the bus stop and imagined him my son for a moment. Would I trade that regular son, for Forrest if I could?
I once boasted a bumper sticker that read “Why be Normal?” Well, there are lots of reasons Forrest could tell you. But driving by the bus stop on that morning, all I needed to say was “Yeah, me too.”
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Thanks for this one. A lot of mothers echo what you've said here, including, I am quite positive, my own mother. who couldn't bare to leave me out of bed without a caregiver Sunday night...she told me later she literally cried all night and didn't sleep. I may have a physical disability and Forrest may have Downs, but the feelings of parents and children are universal in many respects. My mother out of anger or frustration for our shared positions in this crazy journey of physical disability calls me "a burden" or "too much work" or "draining". I often long to be "normal" but see the value in celebrating every part of me that's not. Forrest has such a gift, he's direct, his desire to make someone feel loved is unmatched, he's humor brings me to tears of laughter. You are a credit to the tribe of motherkind. Even in the toughest moments, you are kind, sweet and see the light within him. I have certainly seen the light that your son possesses that he wouldn't neccesarily have if he had normal cognition abilities. My favorite quote from the movie Pheobe in Wonderland ends: "Someday you will see there is something in you that sets you apart from all the awful normals out there".
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