internalized disphobia

"Having a fear about being around other people with disabilities when you yourself have a disability....or... Not having pride in who you are as a person with a disability...An irrational fear that you are disabled, and well, you are."

Forrest had a hard time the other day at his Day program for adults with unique needs- Artists and urban farmers. He went out on a field trip with the others in his group, most of whom have intellectual impairments and a wide range of silly and fun. He didn't want to be seen with that group. He was embarrassed I guess. He refused to sit in the same coffee shop apparently, and then later hid in the back of the bus under a seat and for awhile they thought he was lost or ran away. He was calling me on his cell, sobbing, "Mom can you pick me up? I'm having a bad day."

Ahhh, Forrest wants to be normal. "I want to be with people on the same level" he tells me. He believes the staff at Project Grow are on "his same level" he wants to hang out with them. He wore a button pinned to his shirt that day that read "I am who I am".

I later reminded him of that button. He's better today and off to his day program with a smile.

looking in the oven for easter baskets

6:53 am the birds are chirping in Portland and Forrest is up looking everywhere...the last one is in the microwave actually, but he missed that spot.He found the other three but put them back, somewhat disappointed. Uh-oh. Mother guilt. He usually loves this part of Easter...finding the hidden easter basket full of candy filled colored plastic eggs...jelly bellies, chocolate bunnies and this year something new - peanut brittle(hey -it was on sale).

But I am worried. We skimped this year because I, like many, couldn't stop thinking of that damn word that is everywhere...sustainability!!....a sustainable Easter? So I didn't buy those cheap easter baskets from China, but I did get that horrible colored grass that's not even made of paper anymore....I hope it is from 100% recycled stuff but I refused to read the label.

Peter and I (yes, I am married to Peter the Easter bunny) created 4 identical paper bags instead of baskets, and filled them with corporate produced candy made of corn syrup most likely. Hey - I did reuse some yellow wrapping tissue from two previous birthday gifts to brighten things up a bit...and I am recycling the paper boxes the jelly beans came in. Does that count? Okay who wants to ruin a 24 year old child's fantasy?

Forrest has now found the last easter "bag" in the microwave now and is dumping the loot on the kitchen table. His face is less than enthusiastic. When I ask him "what's wrong?" and he tells me "I'm looking for cars to play with". I have no idea where he came up with the thought he would get a basket full of matchbox cars. He had an entire collections years ago. I probably sold them at the last garage sale before we moved to Portland. Okay, I did sell them. I wanted him to act his age I wanted to pretend he wasn't sweetly and slowly retarded. I have always felt bad about that - selling his car toys and plastic arm guys without his permission.

Okay...what the...? he has gotten over the no matchbox cars disappointment in a matter of minutes and is now eating sour starbursts for breakfast. Wheeee he is happy again, lying on the couch cooing " oh what a relaxing Sunday!"

I am heading over to Safeway while the other kids are still sleeping... to buy some red potatoes for Easter dinner. I think I'll pick up a matchbox car collection on the way.